15 Of Woody Allen's Funniest One-Liners
As the comedy master turns 85, here are some of his best wisecracks
1 "I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
2 ''What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
3 "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."
4 "It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
5 "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
6 "I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
7 "80 percent of success is showing up."
8 "Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither if you have cholseterol over 600."
9 "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
10 "That sex was the most fun I've ever had without laughing."
11 "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
12 "Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
13 "He had been mistaken several times for Robert Redford, but on each occasion it had been by a blind person."
14 "Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name."
15 "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
